Amidst the drama of rushing out projects, complicated relationships and fretting over finals, there's been a fair amount of quiet space to reflect on things.

This is probably the time I've been most "on my own" in the sense that my regular pillars of support aren't as tangible as I'm comfortable with. Of course... a structure with intangible pillars should hardly be called a structure at all.

Initially, this post was supposed to start off with a poem. It's been through a couple of drafts but somehow, words seem to dilute the essence of the poem. If anything would bring across the idea I was driving at, it would be the two lines which inspired me to write anything at all.

I promise you
and you promise too.

A promise in exchange for another. (Kinda like a contract for those of you who study contract law, a "social contract" if you will.) When we go about meeting people, making friends and what not, we form an unspoken pact with them.

In its simplest form, a contract between friends would state something like this:
In exchange for your friendship, I give you mine. (Unless you're more frivolous... in which case it would be: in exchange for your nailpolish, I offer you a series of words and laughs which probably aren't worth much more than the nail polish)

More interesting perhaps, is the part of the social contract which is more implicit. Stuff you expect the other party to know when well, they may or may not. More "duh" examples would be expecting your pretty good friends to have your back, your best friend to share all her secrets with you and people you don't really know to at least be civil to you. A bit like the unspoken code girls have which requires them to accompany each other to the toilet at all times.

The less obvious ones draw deeper from our subconscious and exert their influence much more subtly. It's a little like picking a boyfriend who's an awesome photographer and great cook because your dad's an awesome photographer and great cook or immensely disliking some guy for a reason you can't quite put your finger on. The judgement calls that even we ourselves don't know about.

Although these expectations are hidden (even from ourselves) doesn't mean their effect is small. It was only in the past few years that I was aware how much these expectations shaped my perspective of people. For one, I've realised I'm attracted (in general!) to people who inspire me. It can be anything, drawing, writing, playing the piano, even just thinking more deeply. Not to say that if you don't inspire me I'll throw you aside like some old ragdoll, just that if I find you inspiring/interesting, that's a plus point for you xD.

Of course, hidden expectations means that sometimes, what you expect from someone else and what he knows you expect from him don't match up. It happens even for the more obvious expectations like lending a listening ear to a depressed friend. How long is your friend allowed to be depressed? Your emotional energy isn't infinite. What about your need for your own space? What happens when you run dry? Then what?

Similar to the way a relationship changes, the terms of the social contract change with time and maturity. What was once term of utmost importance (Always share cookies!) could become something barely of significance later on. To some extent, these terms can overtime, set the way we behave around specific groups of people; making us person A to group 1 and person B to group 2. The rules of the clique deciding what part of ourselves we show to whom.

What would a relationship be like with no social contract be like I wonder. Would it be meaningless because there apparently nothing it is based on? Or would it allow us to be exactly who we are and do what we feel is right rather than do things out of obligation? Honestly, I haven't a clue. I guess it really depends on what kind of relationship one would prefer.

"Because, I know you won't comfort me and tell me everything will be alright when..."
"... everything could so easily go wrong."

Labels: thoughts