Welcome to my blog; a protein shake blend of thoughts, ideas, emotions and mundane happenings from a place called “my head” and a journey called “my life”.
Yuck. >.< Protein shakes are nasty.
If anyone still reads this, I know it's been awhile... すごく長い時間な。。。But well, this is more for myself anyway. In the words of a quiet but admirable senior, a reminder of what's important to me now. 私にとって大事なものです。
At present, my house is currently under renovation and as such, the past few weeks (well, the past few weeks starting from the first week of November) were mostly spend either sussing out what on earth we need for the renovation, doing my own pack or most interestingly packing for my mum (Whom I love very much, but she is the biggest squirrel of toiletries I've ever seen).
In the process, I've come across odds and ends of the most unexpected kind such as Watson's plastic bags with the old logo, some 50 odd toothbrushes, bar soaps and razors pilfered from hotels and airplanes only to be sequestered away in the hidey hole that is her bathroom. (お母さん。。。この習慣は大問題だ。。。これを続ければ、うちはどんなに広くても空きが足らないよ。。）
After getting over the shock that was her bathroom, I eventually moved towards her closets, cupboards and shelves where I found boxes of old letters, piggy banks my sisters and I used when we were kids, and collections of things I think she thought fit her personality the best. Not very different from the drawings and "art" of my sisters and I that kept popping up while we cleared the rest of the house (母さんが好きな物」と言ってた）. With the way my family deals with such matters, it didn't quite play out like the simultaneously dramatic and touching cliche we see in movies where a son discovers the diary of his somewhat estranged father whilst clearing the attic one day or a daughter finding the undelivered letters of her presumed dead mother (if you have trouble conjuring up that image... just for you Potter fans... think Harry watching the dying Snape's memories). The stock of "I heart Mummy thing things" became a lighthearted jab at my Mum's hording tendencies... although deep down, I think we appreciate the sentiment behind her actions
Regardless of the dissimilarity of our reactions to Hollywood portrayal, what remains the same is the sense that we, even with the people we think are most familiar with, will never fully know (and can't possibly know) someone. As I dusted off and repacked my mum's exchanges with her sister, my mum fondly reminisced the affectionate nicknames they assigned to each other, the "good old days". Given their age gap and the little else of their relationship I could piece together, and I would never have imagined them relating to each other in such a playful manner. These facets and nuances, as much as they make up the other which we see, are also indefinitely denied to us (well via first hand observation anyway). If this is true for people we are close to, people we have known our whole lives... what is there to say of people we meet when we are 10, 20, 30, or even older? Existence sounds lonely now.
Perhaps I'm overstating the importance of history. After all, we are beings of a mere hundred years or much less. Worse, we often forget and the influence of the past in lost in some way. Even so, when I reflect on past events and how differently I relate to both new and old friends today, there is a desire for human connection to be more convenient, to not have to explain to someone everything they've missed or to have to relate with stories told rather than experienced. Kinda lazy isn't it. On second thought, that might take the fun out of discovering a person though. Things that are convenient are rarely fun anyway.
Off the plane on to a bus on a trip to the middle of nowhere.
There aren't many street lights along the roads. Any light comes of either the houses and stalls nearby or the headlights of the buss. Every object we pass is illuminated for only a split second before it fades back into the shadow, lending a somewhat eerie feel to the whole place. I look out the partially open bus window into rows upon rows of banana trees and half expect to scare myself to death. Lightbulbs from afar pierce through the darkness and appear to stare into your soul. Reminds me of cats eyes.
The air is cold and bracing. Not quite what I expected.
What the cab driver told me on the way to the airport was true. Kerala is a whole mish mash of religon and culture. Within the first 10 minutes of the ride, we drove past a house with a cross, statues of Jesus Christ and a Hindu temple.
We enter what I think is some sort of city centre. It seems creepy and abandoned. Some of the buildings are built and others are half torn down. I see houses with roofs barely taller than I am and wonder, what kind of people live there.
Virtually every ad we've passed so far has a picture of a stunning Indian girl on it. Hmmmmm.....
Finally! I see some people. They're closing up a prata shop. Here, that's probably just called a shop. ^^
5 more hours of this winding, bumpy, motion-sickness inducing ride. Should try to get some sleep.
Day 1 (Less early, but still early in the morning)
We arrived in the dark of the morning. With our luggage in hand and torchlight in the other, we trudge up a rock peppered incline which makes the cobblestone pavements of Olomouc seem like smooth marble. Fortunately, the heaviest of our luggage was transported up by lorry. ^^ When we reached the village entrance (which just so happened to also be the top of the hill >.<), we were warmly received with a cup of tea (Chaaya in Malayalam, the language spoken here) from the tribesmen. Sadly, I doubt many of us were awake enough to reciprocate their hospitality though. >.<
Because of the sleepless 6 hour bus ride, most of us were really tired. So instead of charging head first into work as sheduled, we were taken on a tour around the village... which was basically a 2-3 hour long trek down uneven paths and up barely marked trails. Bukit Timah cannot compare. The spiders here are HUGE and exist in great great numbers. Those with arachnophobia, beware. On a side note, did you know commandos in Singapore trekked 72km in less than 24 hours? Awesome huh. Well not for them xD.
I'm having a really hard time absorbing things. There's so much to do here, places to see, people to meet, trails to memorize, a whole language to learn, bricks to carry, animals (and insects!) to photograph, cultures to understand...and at this point of time, I'm at most only absorbing 0.0001% of it. Haaa....
They have a volleyball court here! xD Dunno, I always figured kids in a village would play soccer instead of volleyball. ^^
After the village tour, they brought us down to the lake... the name of which I did not catch. Not particularly exciting. We got to see the cows being herded though. ^^ The cows know the way back to the village o.o....That's way better than us already. Haha~!
Night 1
Gosh....The water here is cooooold. 3 months of bathing in cold water is nothing compared to this. It was a pretty uneventful night. Most of us were just trying to settle in and figure our some sort of system for living in India. xD Ah well, the girls have a stockade of snacks in case anything happens. Honestly, I haven't seen so much wang wang in my life.
Gah, so much for beautiful mud house. The 1 slug we found in Xiao Ting and Serene's room because 9 slugs which Keith killed. Homestay at another villager's house instead. Ah well. Maybe tomorrow huh.
A wave of pressure pushed us back into our seats and the entire aircraft shook as the roaring turbines of the plane sent it into hyperdrive.
This is hardly my first flight overseas, yet the takeoff still amazes me. I watch as the ever lit city of lights grow smaller and smaller into fireflies. I feel a tingling sensation in the pit of my stomach which is either excitement or nervousness or a mix of both. The takeoff is both literal and figuratitve. The next two weeks will be more different than I can ever imagine.
I find it a little strange that I'm not particularly excited. Other emotions like worry, disappointment, nostalgia and even sleepiness rule over my mood. Knowing that i just missed an old friend probably doesn't help much.
My cup of orange juice sloshes from side to side as the wings of the planes diip, rebalance and dip again. Bleh. Turbulence.
The trip reminds me a little of the one I had 2 years ago to Beijing. The ties people fairly thin. The thread of common interest almost non-existent. They seem nice though. Very nice.
Think I'll stop for now, Xiao Ting and Serene are happily chatting away. Should listen a little. ^^
Amidst the drama of rushing out projects, complicated relationships and fretting over finals, there's been a fair amount of quiet space to reflect on things.
This is probably the time I've been most "on my own" in the sense that my regular pillars of support aren't as tangible as I'm comfortable with. Of course... a structure with intangible pillars should hardly be called a structure at all.
Initially, this post was supposed to start off with a poem. It's been through a couple of drafts but somehow, words seem to dilute the essence of the poem. If anything would bring across the idea I was driving at, it would be the two lines which inspired me to write anything at all.
I promise you and you promise too.
A promise in exchange for another. (Kinda like a contract for those of you who study contract law, a "social contract" if you will.) When we go about meeting people, making friends and what not, we form an unspoken pact with them.
In its simplest form, a contract between friends would state something like this: In exchange for your friendship, I give you mine. (Unless you're more frivolous... in which case it would be: in exchange for your nailpolish, I offer you a series of words and laughs which probably aren't worth much more than the nail polish)
More interesting perhaps, is the part of the social contract which is more implicit. Stuff you expect the other party to know when well, they may or may not. More "duh" examples would be expecting your pretty good friends to have your back, your best friend to share all her secrets with you and people you don't really know to at least be civil to you. A bit like the unspoken code girls have which requires them to accompany each other to the toilet at all times.
The less obvious ones draw deeper from our subconscious and exert their influence much more subtly. It's a little like picking a boyfriend who's an awesome photographer and great cook because your dad's an awesome photographer and great cook or immensely disliking some guy for a reason you can't quite put your finger on. The judgement calls that even we ourselves don't know about.
Although these expectations are hidden (even from ourselves) doesn't mean their effect is small. It was only in the past few years that I was aware how much these expectations shaped my perspective of people. For one, I've realised I'm attracted (in general!) to people who inspire me. It can be anything, drawing, writing, playing the piano, even just thinking more deeply. Not to say that if you don't inspire me I'll throw you aside like some old ragdoll, just that if I find you inspiring/interesting, that's a plus point for you xD.
Of course, hidden expectations means that sometimes, what you expect from someone else and what he knows you expect from him don't match up. It happens even for the more obvious expectations like lending a listening ear to a depressed friend. How long is your friend allowed to be depressed? Your emotional energy isn't infinite. What about your need for your own space? What happens when you run dry? Then what?
Similar to the way a relationship changes, the terms of the social contract change with time and maturity. What was once term of utmost importance (Always share cookies!) could become something barely of significance later on. To some extent, these terms can overtime, set the way we behave around specific groups of people; making us person A to group 1 and person B to group 2. The rules of the clique deciding what part of ourselves we show to whom.
What would a relationship be like with no social contract be like I wonder. Would it be meaningless because there apparently nothing it is based on? Or would it allow us to be exactly who we are and do what we feel is right rather than do things out of obligation? Honestly, I haven't a clue. I guess it really depends on what kind of relationship one would prefer.
"Because, I know you won't comfort me and tell me everything will be alright when..." "... everything could so easily go wrong."
And amazingly, I only have one week more to my finals. Well... the finals part isn't unbelievable. The scary part is that...it's November. NOVEMBER. Feels like August was just yesterday. Sem 1 honestly didn't "feel" as much as I hoped it would've.
Today...(Well last week actually) marks the start of intense mugging. On the brightside, I finished memorising my hiragana today. HAHA. It started on the train...and never stopped o.O. At least i finished something I was planning to do since about a month ago. XD
Pretty amazing actually. I've been bashing into the whole hiragana thing for weeks...and basically, it took me like what, 2 hours to get it into my thick skull. Proof that multitasking doesn't help with plain memorising. (okay fine, the previous weeks probably helped me recall some characters faster, but I covered way more today than any other basic japanese session.) Someone's younger sister was right when she said it's about interest too. I haven't seen myself this...obsessed?...Right. obsessed over learning something since... Jc? Hah. More like when I'm reading random wikipedia pages on video games and shows. xD not so bad, reading time magazine at TP library apparently has the same effect on me. I literally refused to leave the library till the librarian shoo-ed me away.
Now if only that worked on TWC. Sigh.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010 # 1:07 AM
One night after the holidays!
Ah... 4 days to Voix (pronounce it with me... Vuh-oo-ah) Peformance @ the Arts House. I'm really really excited...and really worried about it. We're somewhat there but... not quite. Hah.
More interestingly, our Voix seniors managed to get this International Acappella group called Suade (or Suede...everyone seems to spell it differently) to come down and give us a few pointers...or a lot of pointers.
The group I was preparing 3 songs. 3 rather depressing songs.
Hallejuah by Leonard Cohen,
This song sticks in your head... especially when you don't want it to. >.< It's got lyrics most people would find... disturbing. Managed to freak my sisters out while trying to memorize the lyrics. HAHA. Awesome stuff. Even with its somewhat obscene lyrics... I have to say it's a song that really digs deep down into your soul and forces you to ask "What do you believe in?" When you first start singing it, every hallejuah you breathe seems sincere, but with each passing verse, you find yourself wondering what exactly is the composer thanking the lord for? Love and Beauty? Pleasure and Sex? Halfway through, I always got the impression that it was "Hallejuah" in name. It's in the last verse that there's some sort of revelation and what he feels isn't so much angst but pain and regret. The realisation that everything about his life was a lie and there isn't much left he can do about it.
Fix You by Coldplay
Pretty popular song Most people who are into mainstream stuff should know it. Not much to say about it that hasn't already been said. Even though the song relates to comforting a loved one who has been "damaged", the lyrics seem to say much more. It talks about failure and giving up and how no matter what, you have to keep that hope alive in you. A lot about internal struggle as well.
Australian Spring.
When I first heard this song, I was like...wow. Nice. Pretty lively, happy, lots of energy. It was only when our soloist delved more into the lyrics that I realised that the song was much deeper that it appeared on the surface. How far are you willing to go to chase something or someone that you love? Would you go halfway around the world? What if there was no way back? (Muahaha, Ryannnnnnnnn you should totally learn this song ^^) Here you have this person who's told his/her lover no, I can't follow you, then realises "Big mistake" and chases his/her lover all the way to the outback, no clue whether or not his/her lover will take him/her back (damn gender ambiguous songs) Love, anticipation, nervousness, and a big gamble. sounds like some korean drama. xD
Anyways, after hammering out the problems and what not....Suade gave us a live performance. XDXDXD. They're into what known as Comedy Acappella, so watch the videos and laugh, and maybe cry. ^^
Bohemian Rhapsody - Suade
Just a Gigalo - Suade
Comfortable - Suade
Monday, October 11, 2010 # 9:11 AM
And One Day after the holidays....(Part One)
And I feel great to be back in school...NOT. I sense my impending doom on Wednesday when my twc report is due.
Anyways. Meet Leo the Lion! That's my AS classmate's (Kai Hui) little pencil box.
AS class is one which everyone's attention seems to dift off in very different directions...such as;
1. Facebook (most common one thus far) 2. Online Poker 3. Newscientist.com xD Now i know why a certain AS friend of mine is such a brainiac ^^
Unfortunately for me, I don't normally use a laptop during AS class... so I had to resort to this...
Whoo! Spiky haired Leo. For those of you who remember... we used to do that to a certain chairman mao back in Jc. xD
Ha... more productive stuff did happen that day I swear. It's gonna take a while for me to finish writing about that though. So that's all for now xD
That's my AS classmate's (Kai Hui) little pencil box.